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Reader's
Gallery > Humor Punch
Giggle-O- File:
Cow
to another cow: "Have you heard about this mad cow disease?"
Other cow: "Yes but it doesn't bother me I'm a squirrel!"
Why did Mickey go into space????
To find Pluto!!!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshiper? He sold his
soul to Santa!!!
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says; Do you
know how to drive this thing?
If
I had 40 apples in one hand and 40 in the other what would
I have???? - Big hands
A horse walks into a pub, barman "why the long face".
What's
black & white and eats like a horse ? - A zebra
What's
brown and sticky? - A stick
What's
the difference between Saddam Hussain and a woman with PMT?
- Saddam Hussain can be reasonable
Laughter is the best medicine, well unless you're diabetic
then insulin is your best hope.
There
was this new neighbour and he was mowing his yard. His neighbour
came up to him and asked him what he did for a living. He
told him that he was a deductive reasoner. when he asked him
what that was. The man said he would show him rather than
tell him.... He said to his neighbour. "I see you have
a doghouse so that must mean that you have a dog. If you have
a dog., then it must mean that you have kids. If you have
kids then you must have a wife, if you have a wife, then you
must be hetero sexual. " The old neighbour said, Wow,
you are right.
The next day, the old neighbour talked to his other neighbour
about the new neighbour. When he asked what the new one did,
he said, I'll just show you, he is a deductive reasoner. "Do
you have a dog?" The other neighbour said no. He replied:
"That's Queer!"
An
Irishman is in a pub when a man comes in with a huge fish
in one hand. The Irishman goes "wow! How did you get
that" The man says "Well I got my friend to lower
over the side of a bridge and when I saw a fish a grabbed
it a called to be pulled up" The Irishman is impressed
and decides to try it with a fellow Irishman. They're leaning
over a bridge when he yells out "Quick! Pull me up"
His Irish friend goes "Why, have you got a fish."
The man replies "No! There's a bloody train coming."
IS
THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
I No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while
most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY
rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
II There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload
to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population
Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children
per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's
at least one good child in each.
III Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to
the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming
he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works
out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each
Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th
of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back
up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops
are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations
we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household,
a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to
do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving
at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second
- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
IV The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized
Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons,
not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point
#1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the
job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This
increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the
sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is
four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
V 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same
fashion as space crafts reentering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules
of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into
flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind
them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal
forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back
of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas
Eve, he's dead now!
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